Saturday, 27 June 2009

  • Grandma has reminded me that the Beatles make beautiful music. She's been on Hospice care for about 6 weeks now, and I was lucky enough to visit her in Puerto Rico during this time. I was lucky, because she was still alive. Some friends and I were planning a cruise and it ports out of Puerto Rico, so I had planned on flying in a few days early to visit with the family there. Two weeks before my planned departure, we found out that she had lung cancer for a year and a half without telling anyone or getting treatment. Stubborn woman! And very proud... I was just so happy she was still alive by the time my cruise came around.

    There was nothing I could have done to prepare for what awaited me at her home in Puerto Rico. I had never seen my Grandma bedridden, or without her teeth in. I know she hated to be seen that way. Through all of this, she still has so much pride. Although her body may have been wilting away, her brain was still so sharp during that first visit before I departed for my cruise. There was a flower shop outside her apartment complex, and on my last day before the cruise I brought her a bouquet of flowers. Then my cousin Roy and I played her favorite song, "Hey Jude" by the Beatles, and we all sang along at the top of our lungs. That was one of the msot beautiful afternoons of my entire life.

    I left on the cruise not knowing if she'd be alive when I got back. A week later, I was fully rested and completely relaxed after an amazing vacation. I enjoyed Barbados and St. Kitts the most out of all the islands. Our ship was back in Puerto Rico, and the first thing I did was call my aunt to hear about the state of my grandmother. It was not good. Her mind, the one thing that had remained intact, had started to fail her. She was hallucinating, agitated, and we all feared the end was near. This next, and final visit was shorter, but much more disturbing. Again, I brought her flowers, but we could hardly hold a conversation. Her face contorted with pain every now and again, what was ailing her I do not know, but I had never seen her in such a state. I learned that we both shared a love for Barbados, and I learned that she and my Grandfather spent winters in Barbados every year.  

    Today, she is still alive. Although I cannot say how happy or comfortable she is, or what state her mind is in. I guess this is part of life, dying. Watching those you love die. Watching people you know fade, dreading your own demise.

    Today, I'm gonna shine.

Thursday, 28 May 2009

  • Just now, I was looking for my glasses in my purse... because thats where they'd normally be. I found my glasses on the sink, where they've been the last 5+ times I didn't know where they were. Is this what people mean by being "set in their ways"? Is that what I'm turning into? Am I really just letting "myself" come through? This is strange to me. When asked to describe myself, I typically am at a loss for words. I am a person, just like everybody else. Unless I'm nobody?

    Strangely enough, I had a beer on Sunday. And then 3 on Monday, they were Natty Light though, so lets just call it two beers. As an afterthought, this is typical alcoholic reasoning. I've always thought that alcohol had changed me, far after it had physically left my system. I was thinking of it more as a change in personality, or thinking.

    Who knows, I might just be going crazy.

Friday, 08 May 2009

  • I'm going to give AA another shot. I caught up with a good friend last night over the phone, and her fiance is five years clean. They are big supporters of the AA movement. I went to two meetings last year, and never went back. It just didn't do anything for me. I spent two hours in Borders reading some books on recovery, and I bought two that are based on people's stories. The first few books opened upon horrible, abusive childhoods, while mine was relatively happy. I got teased by the neighbors a lot, but no physical abuse or anything. The first book I found, Drinking: A Love Story, has no traces of violence at least in the first few chapters, felt like it was similar to my story.

    I planned on finding a quiet coffee shop, but I don't know of one around here that stays open past 10pm. At least not yet. I can definitely see myself spending some time there once I find it. Maybe not. Maybe I'd be more likely to get back into reading if anything but recovery and alcoholism held my attention. I sat in Borders and just devoured these books for a full two hours. That is outrageous. I've never been so immersed in literature.

    On that note, I need to find some interests besides drinking, not drinking, poker, and work. Maybe something artistic? I've never dabbled in art, really. Music yes, art no. All of this costs money, money I don't have right now. The cruise and rent are two huge costs that I'm not used to having.
    Currently
    Drinking: A Love Story
    By Caroline Knapp
    see related

Thursday, 07 May 2009

  • The strange thing about what I wrote two posts ago, about being the life of the party, is that I'm almost positive, looking back, that I wasn't. No one was there egging me on, but for some reason, I thought it was the cool thing to do. No one was trying to get me to take shots I was the one out recruiting others to my cause. I'm pretty sure that when I drank, I was the coolest person at the party, but only in my head. To everyone else, its likely I was the biggest asshole at the party.

    If none of my friends drank, I would have zero temptation. There is such a huge part of me that just wants to fit in.

  • 8 months without a single drink. I can't say 8 months sober, I do poke smot.

Monday, 04 May 2009

  • It's been a while since I wrote a post longer than 2 sentences. Tonight may or may not be the night I do.

    I guess you could say there have been a few close calls with the sobriety. Mainly this Alkaline Trio concert I'm going to on Wednesday. Huge temptation to drink for me. They're my favorite band right now, and the concert would be a great place to just let loose. I've been thinking about it a lot, going back and forth with it in my head.

    The sad thing is, when I voiced this, a few of my friends were all for it. Granted, these are new friends, who have only known me as sober, so they can't possibly comprehend the magnitude or the consequences of my desire to drink again. That certainly wasn't encouraging. The thought of being the center of attention ("Oh Megan's actually DRINKING!!!") and the life of the party again("Hell yeah, Meg, take a shot!") felt so enticing. Not to mention the fact that shots taste SO DAMN GOOD!

    Today, I was thinking back to how it felt to "be in control." Good lord it sucked. I still drank by myself. As far as I was concerned, being in control still meant doing what I wanted. I remember sneaking into the kitchen and swigging rum before I went to bed. What is the point in that? I don't know. I remember just not caring, drinking was what I wanted to do, so I was going to do it. Period.

    I believe that same attitude put me behind the wheel while I was blacked out. I didn't get very far...

    I remember being so irritable, and angry. That was my general mood. At everyone, all of the time, unless there was a beer in my hand. I remember the shame, the lies. Now, I'm remembering WHY I stopped drinking in the first place. I had been telling myself drinking at this concert would be a one-time thing, but that is not reality.

    I want to be irresponsible. I want to get drunk. I want to feel accepted. I want to feel as though I'm part of the party, and not just watching it. I want to act like I'm 23 instead of feeling like I'm 40. I wish drinking could be fun again, instead of a risk.

    I need to save money, keep my job, and not crash my car. I need to stay safe. I need good, healthy relationships that aren't based on drinking. I need to take care of myself. I need to be strong. I need to stay sober.

Monday, 20 April 2009

Sunday, 22 March 2009

  • Awesome day. Began with meeting my Mom for manicures at a place down the street and some general catching up. Immediately followed by a raucous game of kickball --- I got on base 2 of the 2 times I was up to kick! Even ducking under a ball that was trying to tag me once! And I got a double on the second kick. I think I've found my calling! :)

    After kick ball we headed down the street for some drinking times. I hung with the cool cats for some flip cup on the patio, with my good old faithful Diet Coke. After making every single person in Sabroso's jealous, a select few headed back to Jeff's for some beer pong. I kick ass in beer pong. Still drinking water but having a ridiculous time.

    From there we headed to trivia. Not so awesome time. I was pretty tired. We were doing alright for a while, but no real highlights.

    Today was awesome. During trivia, I was just sitting there thinking to myself how awesome my life is, and how happy I am. In my life there are these moments, these brief periods that last maybe 30 seconds, where I just want to remember that today happened. They just make me take a step back and hope to remember that exact moment. Those flashes are just insane bliss.

    I never thought I would be here ever again.

Thursday, 19 March 2009

  • So I've had my first roommate experience in about a year. I haven't seen Roommate #2 since I moved in, so since Sunday. She comes in tonight while I'm sitting on the couch (half wishing someone else were with me, half not) with her friend and about 50 lbs of who knows what she had bought at Hobby Lobby. She starts getting ready to make dinner and starts pouring wine. Offered me a glass which I politely declined.  I got to chatting a little bit with Roommate #2 and her friend and was doing so work at the same time. They're talking about the upcoming wedding and planning and dresses and all that. Well one friend quickly turns into two, which turns into four including her fiance and his father. They're all drinking wine and the fiance's father is even talking about great places to get wasted. I was actually trying to do something for work at this point and kind of just hid in my room.

    The working didn't go so well. Probably because I was part distracted/freakingout and part trying to drown out the voices from the next room. As soon as I could I ducked out of there. Then my boss called me because I'd forgotten to do something pretty important. I think my head was just a little loose from the rest of my body. That thoroughly stressed me out. I just got out of the apartment and went driving. Smoked a cigarette. I really don't want to start smoking again but I don't know how to handle this stress.

    But what was so stressful? People drinking wine? I've been in bars and at plenty of parties by now where people are drinking plenty. Maybe I'm irked by people drinking in my home? My safe place? I've been eyeing the Coors Light rack and bottles of wine, just kind of checking them out. Not for drinking, just noticing and getting acquainted with the concept I guess. Preparing myself? Totally.

    What am I going to do....

Sunday, 15 March 2009

  • I am all moved into my new apartment. Save some scrapes on my new dresser, everything has come into place very nicely. My new bedspread has some new shams and some new accent pillows. My new dresser and my new mirror and my new bamboo plant all complement each other so well.

    All these new things are doing a shitty job of keeping me company.

livefoshibby

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    • Name: Megan
    • Birthday: 10/1/1985
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/11/2006

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